Smh – a Narrow Interest Collection of Insurance Jokes

Many of my blogs seem to be serious in nature so I felt it was time for extra levity, maybe even a chortle?  Who said insurance agents are boring?

costarica_fishing17b

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said, “I’m here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”

That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”

The puzzled lawyer asked, “How do you start a flood?”

resume-job-applicant-LF

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
“We don’t need any one,” they replied.
“You can’t afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime any thing.”
“We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job.”
He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for a $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy.
“How in the world did you do that,” they asked.
“I told you I’m the world’s best salesman, I can sell anyone anywhere anytime.”
“Did you get a urine sample?” they asked him.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.”
He was gone for about eight hours and then he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, “Here’s Mr. Brown’s and this one is Mr. Smith’s.”
“That’s good,” they said, “but what’s in those two buckets?”
“Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention and I sold them a group policy!”

sales-negotiation-checklist

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing can be highly entertaining.
1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
3. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
6. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
7. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
8. In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
9. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
10. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
11. I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
12. As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
13. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
14. My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
15. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
16. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
17. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
18. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
19. I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
20. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
21. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
22. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front

wood leg

A man wanted to buy fire insurance for his wooden leg, so he asked around.

The first company offered $10000. The next offered $8000. However, the last one only offered $1000.

The man was very curious, so he asked why it was so low.

The agent said, ‘You will have a ready supply of water near your wooden leg, so if you let it get burnt it would be your own fault.’

hot-air-balloon-892-12

An agent had a hobby wherein he liked to fly in his hot air balloon. One day, due to bad weather, he was forced to stay in the air for many hours, blowing many miles off course.

Finally the weather was calm enough for him to descend. He was about 20 feet from the ground when he saw a man walking. He asked, “Where am I?” The man answered. “You are in a balloon, approximately 20 feet off the ground.” The balloonist responded, “You must be an underwriter.” The man was surprised. He responded, “Yes, how did you know?” “Because your answer, while correct, was no good to me at all in solving my problem”

“Ah, then you must be an agent” “Well, yes, how did you know” “Because you asked me about a problem, your problem is still unresolved, but somehow it is now my fault”.

einstein1_7

A super genius goes in to see a doctor. “Doc,” the genius says, “I think I’m too smart. I have trouble even communicating with people because we have no common frame of reference. It’s ruining my social life. Can anything be done?”

The doctor runs a series of tests on the genius, and indeed finds that he is too smart. He says, “Currently, your IQ is 250, which is vastly superior to an average man. This is why you have trouble communicating. I do have a cure, however. I have a machine that will drain away your intelligence, leaving you with an IQ of 160. You’ll still be a genius, but you should lead a normal life as well.”

The genius immediately agrees to the treatment, so the doctor straps him into the machine.

Just as the doctor turns on the device, he gets a phone call from his ex-wife. They have a phone conversation for several minutes before the doctor remembers his patient. He runs back, and is shocked when he sees the IQ readout at 75.

The doctor says, “Are you all right?”

The former genius just stares blankly.

The doctor shakes him, saying “Say Something.”

The former genius replies, “Can I interest you in a Life Insurance  policy?”

brains

A traveler wandering on an island inhabited entirely by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. The shop specialized in human brains differentiated according to source. The sign in the shop read:

Actuary’ Brains … $9/lb

Loss Control Brains … $12/lb

Underwriters’ Brains … $15/lb

Claims Adjusters’ Brains … $33/lb

Insurance Executives’ Brains … $87/lb

Life Insurance Salesmens’ Brains … $146/lb

Upon reading the sign, the traveler noted, “My those insurance salesmens’ brains must be something. To which the butcher replied, “Are you kidding! Do you have any idea how many of them you have to kill to get a pound of brains?!”

Okay, enough already.  Self-deprecation is done for the day.

jeffspring@allstate.com http://www.springfamilyinsuranceagency.com

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